Why are they bullying me?
My parents always used to tell me the expected answer ‘it’s because they’re jealous’ but I never accepted that as a good enough answer, I’ve always wanted to know exactly why. Now I do know part of why one of my bullies used to bully me.
I stood my ground against this person instead of running away and I think I proved to them my inner strength. After that they left me alone and years later we gradually became almost friends. After I left for college I never really saw them again. Until last night. We ended up getting drunk and had the usual drunken heart to heart. It was the most helpful heart to heart I’ve ever had. I don’t think they realised the importance of what they’d said to me because straight afterwards they were straight back to their bullshit tall-tales.
Someone had brought up the fight we’d had years ago where I finally stood up to them(and kicked their ass with my karate skills). I was irritated because I didn’t want that memory lingering between us all night so I went over and told them to do what I was fighting to do- ignore them completely. It worked after a while they got bored and went off.
We began to relax and when we were drunk. We hit the subject again in a light-mannered way. This is sort of how it went although I’m translating drunken speaking.
“I can’t believe we can talk like this. I could never see us getting along .” said them.
“I know but it was a long time ago and I’m shit at holding grudges.” said me. “did you realise how you were acting?”
“I was a bully. ..I was horrible. I freely admit that.” said them. At this point literally holding up their hands.
“I didn’t think you felt bad. It’s amazing how much people change, isn’t it?.”
“Yeh. I’m still a bitch though. Ha ha… I do feel bad and I am sorry though.” Said them. They looked sombre and I was shocked I’d never seen them look even slightly remorseful for anything.
To be honest I never thought much ever went round in their head in the way of self-reflection. I was wrong. Everyone has feelings and thinks- even bullies. One of my bullies has been saying to their close friends I bullied them! Which hurts but I suppose the way they acted must have really hurt them and they are really embarrassed about it. To the point where they have to lie to themselves. Nobody should ever have to do that. I hope they still inside know the truth so one day they can learn to forgive themselves like the person I talked to last night. Anyway…
“Why did you do it?”I asked.
“I don’t really know. I just did.”
“There had to be a reason?” I asked.
“I was bullied when I was younger.”
“You were?” I asked.
“Yes. At [name of our old primary school] everyone bullied me.”
“I was bullied there too.”I said. “By who?”
“I don’t remember their names.”
At this point I began talking about the people who bullied me. I used to hate them and would not let go of my anger towards them for years. I could remember every face and name. Every little detail. Like one day one of them was wearing stupid monkey knee-length socks and still they made fun of ME for a cheap winter jacket. The day one of them dropped a lilac silky hair bobble and expected me to pick it up for them. The way they’re eyes went hard if I said something back that actually hurt- which with my sharp tongue was probably often. The ginger hair of one of them that they now never let show through. Probably because I constantly called her the name of a fizzy orange pop when she bullied me.
I described them all and we both found out something new. We had both been bullied by the same people at some point. We had both experienced bullying but we I realise we had both dealt with it differently.
“Why bully if you know what it’s like.” I asked.
“I don’t know. I think I just wanted it to be the other way round.”
“I don’t get it but I suppose everyone deals with things differently.” I said. “I’m glad you realised and changed.”
“I really have and I really am sorry. I don’t really know why I did it.”
I never realised how much bullying can affect other peoples lives in such different ways. Bullying not only is emotionally damaging it is the creator of even more bullies.
Some victims gain strength in themselves and eventually stand up to bullies.
Some become insecure and weak. They kid themselves into thinking they are stronger by bullying others. This is what keeps the cycle of bullying running.
Then sadly there are people that don’t manage to make it through. I know this is the way it has ended for many victims and I hate to think how badly they must have suffered to manage to end their lives. I hate to imagine how scared they must have been right before they ended everything. I hope the people who bullied them wanted to die too. I hope they regret what they did for the rest of their lives. That’s one reason I could never be a bully myself. I could never forgive myself for injuring another person in such an intense way. I always want to be the one protecting others who are vulnerable because they are so much easier to break.
I could been one of them. I was so broken and hurt when I finally stopped being bullied. I broke down. I hated myself and thought it was my own fault. I thought it would be better if I wasn’t here. I still think some of my problems are partly do with the intense emotional hurt I experienced. It actually hurts just talking about it but I feel better for it because I think to forgive and forget you need to try to understand.
I think I’ve grown up and realised that you can’t keep holding on to the past because then it will affect you in the future and the future is what is important. I’m glad one of the people who used to bully me had changed. I hope all of them have stopped bullying and I hope one day there won’t be any such thing as bullying. Won’t happen but it doesn’t hurt to hope. I know first hand a reason for bullying but I guess there is probably more than a hundred. All I know is it’s important to let go of all the anger and the hurt before it eats you up and you become one of them.
I pray for all them people out there being bullied to get through like I have. You may have experienced bullying far worse than mine but the same still stands.
Talk to someone. Don’t be embarrassed. If they don’t listen or don’t believe you. Talk to someone else. Make someone listen. Don’t make the excuse but they’ll get worse. That may be true but you’ll feel better if there’s someone you can share your hurt with.That is the lesson that would have been most important to me. There is always someone that can stop it when you can’t.
Don’t let them get to you. That doesn’t mean ignore them because you will still be taking it in. Literally find a way so you never have to near to them.
Never turn your hurt to anger. Try to be compassionate and understand. As do goody and unfair that seems.
Don’t let it occupy your every thought. You will never manage to live. Your thoughts make you who you are.
Hold tight to hope, it’s a powerful thing.